Today we bring you all the news fit to print, and then even more…
Pope Not Catholic
(Vatican City) Today Pope Benedict XVI announced he really wasn’t Catholic. “All these years I’ve been thinking I was a Catholic,” the pope stated today at a special news conference, “Then for some reason I looked at my birth certificate this morning, and realized both my parents were Southern Baptists. Since I never converted, there’s no way I can be Catholic.”
The pope could not explain how he grew up attending Catholic Church, was educated at Catholic schools, and then ordained a Catholic priest. “Mistakes happen I guess” The pope explained, shrugging his shoulders. He went on to say he would be stepping down as head of the Roman Catholic Church as soon as a new pope could be elected, and would devote his remaining days to singing really bad gospel music and enjoying fried catfish dinners.
Prince Albert Freed
(Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Prince Albert, husband and Prince Consort to Queen Victoria, was released today after 101 years confinement in a small metal can. The prince was placed in his can by the corrupt capitalist R.J. Reynolds in 1907. No reason for his confinement has ever been given, leading many legal authorities to believe Prince Albert may be linked to terrorists. “You just take a look at his beard,” said one law official who spoke on condition of anonymity, “to realize there were clear links between Prince Albert and the ancestors of Bin Laden.”
Likewise, no specific reason was given for the heirs of Mr. Reynolds to suddenly release the Prince today. A spokesperson for the “Free Prince Albert” coalition, chain-smoking camel’s cigarettes, claimed victory in their decades-long struggle to free the Prince. “This is a great victory, achieved only after many years of dedicated protest phone calls demanding his release” the spokesperson said.
Compromise Democratic Candidate Rock E. Squirrel Announced
(Washington, D.C.) Dr. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today that he was fed up with the constant bickering between Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. “Enough is enough,” Dr Dean said. “These two people have been bickering for months over which one can be a better president. I mean, how hard can it be, President?” Dean asked. “Just take a look at who’s got the job now. Do you really think Bush is qualified to do anything important?”
Dean announced that the DNC was endorsing Rock E. Squirrel as the Democratic nominee. “Mr. Squirrel has been my hero since I was a young New Yorker,” Dr Dean said. He’s had a lifetime of public service to our great country, flying around hither and yonder, defending American interests against Pottsylvania. Why, just look at how many times Squirrel has thwarted the plans of those evil agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale attempting to do harm to our great country. I’m really looking forward to see how Senator John McCain’s ‘wartime hero’ claims are going to stack up against the hero of Frostbite Falls.”
No word was given on who Rock E. Squirrel might choose for his vice presidential candidate, but several sources speculated that it would be his long-time associate, Bullwinkle Moose.
So to our many readers, please enjoy yourself and have a wonderful April 1.
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