Jonah Goldberg Saves the Polar Bears!

Flying Mail
Flying Mail

The National Review Online “The Corner” by my most beloved writer, Jonah Goldberg, arguably the greatest living writer of all time, strikes serious pay dirt with today’s post Save The Polar Bears.

Today’s treat offers his suggestions on solving the prospective threat of a world with no polar bears.

Some of his insight is breathtaking, such as:

This is not to say reasonable anti-pollution regulations aren’t a good idea, etc etc, blah blah blah. We can have all those arguments later.

And his foray into the world of environmental engineering leaves me with the “Duh!” feeling:

If the polar bears need more floating ice to survive, let’s get them some more floating ice! Like artificial reefs, we can build fake floating ice, or make real floating ice, and distribute it across the polar bear habitat.

But it’s his final thoughts that leave me awed:

If we stopped greenhouse gas emissions tomorrow, does anybody really think that ice would suddenly re-form at the poles in time to save polar bears from drowning? This isn’t an episode of Superfriends, people. This is the real world.

He ends his piece by soliciting additional thoughts on saving polar bears. So I put my thinking cap on and came up with a solution that has so many positives I can’t add them all up.

Here is my letter to Jonah:


Dear Jonah,

I just had to take the time to comment on your incredible post concerning polar bears and floating ice.

I wish my words could express what I feel when reading such ideas. Alas, I am at a loss. Have you ever considered publishing reality-based science fiction? Michael Crichton seems to be past his prime, so this field needs a new leader.

But it’s your position as the world’s leading prophet of airborne laser volcano lancing that really got me thinking. After recently seeing one of Hollywood’s greatest classics, “Joe versus the Volcano,” I realized the perfect solution to global warming was right in front of me!

All we need to do is gather every wise person in America who see right through the hoax of global warming, and send them around the world to active volcanoes. We get them all standing on the edge of their assigned volcanoes, and at a pre-arranged signal sent by an orbiting Vorlon battle-cruiser, they all jump in!

The mass of hot air released by the simultaneous extinction of our global non-warming experts is sure to instantaneously reverse arctic ice melting, and save the polar bears.

Please let me know your thoughts. I would be greatly honored to personally arrange for your volcano jump.


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