Lawyers All In A Row

row of starched white shirts on hangers. Photo by Pew Nguyen:
Starched Shirts Ready For Rows of Lawyers

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Yesterday The Former Guy (TFG), former Pres*dent Donald Trump, was indicted on four felony charges for working to overturn the results of the 2020 election. With these latest charges, Trump now has three simultaneous criminal indictments against him. The first in New York City for 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. The second in Florida with 40 felony counts against him including charges of retaining classified information, obstructing justice, and making false statements. Another indictment from Georgia, also over Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election, is expected very soon.

All these indictments mean Trump will spend all his time going from one courtroom to another. And Trump has endless rows of lawyers lined up behind him, working to keep his sorry ass out of jail.

What a truly sad way to be living.

Desperately Avoiding Lawyers

I’ve needed to hire lawyers a total of four times in my life, so far. That’s four times too many for me. In each instance, even though I was paying the lawyer to work for me, I came away feeling screwed. After dealing with one particular lawyer, I needed several hot showers before I felt clean again. Honestly, I now find myself being a totally law-abiding citizen, even while driving, just so I can avoid ever again needing a lawyer.

Trump’s History of Lawyer Job Security

But Donald Trump has spent most of his life needing lawyers to represent him. The completely legal Wikipedia has a detailed description of Trump’s long history of lawyer job security.

From the 1970s until he was elected president in 2016, Donald Trump and his businesses were involved in over 4,000 legal cases in U.S. federal and state courts, including battles with casino patrons, million-dollar real estate lawsuits, personal defamation lawsuits, and over 100 business tax disputes. He’s faced charges from the US Department of Justice over racist property management practices. He has been accused of sexual harassment and sexual assault, with one accusation resulting in Trump being held civilly liable.

Now, the biggest issue with his federal indictments is which one goes to court first.

A Man of The World

But wait! All these legal woes are just inside the United States. Trump is truly a man of the world. He’s also had lawsuits filed against him in Canada, Germany, and Scotland. Germany has also gone after Trump’s company for accounting fraud.

The Important Question

I think the important question on Trump’s long history of lawyering up is – “Why” ?

Why has Trump spent his life huddled up with lawyers without end?

Why has he spent his life fighting one legal battle after another, often simultaneously across multiple locations on planet Earth?

How much self-loathing does it take to willingly subject oneself to endless hours of lawyerly strategies and planning meetings? Endless hours of sitting in courtrooms listening to judges drone on and on about legal minutia? Regularly denying obvious fraud and making excuses for obscene behavior. Not to mention, routinely losing legal cases or settling out of court “without admitting guilt” ?

It seems to me, any normal person would quickly figure out that what they were doing wasn’t working, so maybe change their life to avoid legal entanglements?


I would like to claim that my loathing of Trump overrides my ability to feel pity. Regretfully, I cannot say that. Trump is obviously a severely damaged human being. Had he been born to normally poor or middle-class parents he would have spent his life as a miserable failure. Most likely he would have drifted from jobs, marriages, towns, scamming whomever he could before being forced to move on somewhere else. He could have been a pitiful figure, held up as a bad example other parents would use to scare their kids straight. “If You Keep Doing [ bad life-decision thing ] You’ll End Up Just Like Your Cousin Donald!”

Regretfully for America, and for the world, Trump was born to wealthy parents, in a country that reveeres wealth no matter how acquired. That gave him a platform to continually fail upwards, providing him the resources to hire lawyers by the barrelful as a means of avoiding accountability for everything he does.

And Here We Are

So, here we are. At age seventy-seven Trump has nothing to show for his life except lawyers all in a row, paid in advance to keep his sorry ass out of jail. He’s begging for the money he needs to pay these lawyers. He’s surrounded by sycophants, neo-Nazis, and generally crazy people who see Trump as their license to be evil. His third wife and mother of his fifth child want nothing to do with him, except a prenuptial agreement that leaves her any money he might still have.

Yes, I pity him for a life wasted. But I still want to see him spend what little time he has left rotting inside a jail cell, as a very tiny measure of accountability for all the harm he has caused to our world.

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