Zurich, Switzerland, April 1, 2016. Today, leading world scientists announced that the total quantity of Stupid in the world was rapidly increasing. “It’s worrisome,” said Dr. Fabienne Urnechi, head of the sociology department at Karolinska Institutet of Sweden. “Our worst-case predictions consistently underestimate measured increases.”
Dr. Urnechi explained the process of measuring Total World Stupid (Tws). “We use a dedicated Pleiades supercomputer to collect and collate daily news stories from 183 designated Nodes of Stupid (NoS) locations across the globe. The computer then sifts through these stories and applies an algorithm to measure key indications of stupid and generates a Stupid Index Number (SIN).” Over time, we’ve watched this SIN increase to completely unbelievable levels.
Dr. Jason Essal-tin, head of the computer sciences department at Oxford University of England, explained “We used to generate a SIN on a daily basis but started to have concerns about the safety of the computer. Quite frankly, we worried that the level of Stupid the computer was dealing with might infect the circuitry and decrease the computer’s intelligence. Now we run the program once each week, and then perform extensive diagnostic counseling to ensure the system continues to work as designed.”
Dr. Guiseppe Belilia, director of geospatial analysis at the Roma Tre University in Italy explained that the geographical Clusters of Stupid (CoS) were concentrated in a few tightly defined clusters. “We see several major clusters centered in the United States, for example. The strongest concentration appears to be focused on the vicinity of Washington, D.C. “Dr. Belilia explained. “Interestingly enough, that SIN level appears to fluctuate on a calendar basis. It’s hard to be sure of the reason, but one data point indicates the SIN level increases whenver the US Congress is in session.”
Although Total World Stupid is increasing, scientists take solace in the knowledge that only a few CoS clusters are driving these levels, so it is still possible to develop policies to control and possibly reduce Tws.
Dr. Belilia explained that until recently, all CoS remained stationary. “But starting about a year ago, we plotted some CoS’s moving in erratic patterns” Dr. Belilia said. “After considerable cross-mapping and exhaustive research by an interdisciplinary team of scientific specialists from dozens of fields, we were able to show that these moving clusters correlated with the campaign trails of American Republican presidential candidates! It was fascinating to map how the SIN level increased wherer these people traveled.”
Dr. Urnechi explained that one candidate in particular was driving these levels of Stupid. “Notable for these moving CoS is that of Mr. Donald Trump, whose SIN level is increasing to extraordinary levels. Honestly, in the 20 years we’ve been performing this research, we’ve never seen anything like the SIN level Mr. Trump is generating. His SIN is actually skewing measurements of Stupid across the entire globe.”
Some potential solutions for controlling world Stupid levels include quarantining America from the global community through massive Internet firewalls and news media blackouts. “we’ve also discussed travel restrictions, but a sizable number of Americans remain decent, non-stupid people and preventing them from leaving high CoS areas would be inhumane” Dr. Essal-tin explained. “We are considering some type of medical exam we can administer to Americans wanting to go abroad that determines which Presidential candidate they support. Preventing anyone who supports Mr. Trump from leaving America shows a ninety percent confidence factor in preventing infections of concentrated Stupid spreading to the rest of the world”.
The consensus of scientists monitoring levels of Stupid is that world totals should decrease after the American elections unless Donald Trump becomes President. “Then all bets are off” says Dr. Urnechi, “and we’ll have no choice to build a huge wall completely around America as the only possible means of containing the Stupid”. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto stated his country would be willing to pay for this wall “to contain the possibility of concentrated Stupid entering our beautiful country.”
Edited for formatting: September 12, 2023