A Modest Proposal…On Guns

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Over the past months I’ve started to hang out on the social media network “Nextdoor.” I like this media as it keeps me hooked into local events, news, and neighborhood issues. But yesterday I discovered that this media, too, is not immune from the gun-toting crazies I colloquially term “ammosexuals.”

This discovery resulted from a post-turned “discussion thread” on the pros and cons of people packing loaded guns in our county parks. My piece of the discussion did not go well. Since working through that discussion, I’ve thought of a modest proposal on guns. A proposal that might actually satisfy gun-crazy ammosexuals and still keep us non-gun-crazy people safe from them.

The Nextdoor Post

It started with a post on our County Board of Supervisors announcing a public hearing for banning open-carry (visibly displayed guns) in our county parks. I quickly realized this post was written by an ammosexual who was outraged at the thought of not being allowed to show off his guns in public. His push was to have lots of pro-gun people to show up at the hearing and “voice” their opinions on this potential gun-grabbing tyranny.

Fair enough. But this poster made the point of announcing that openly carrying guns into the Board of Supervisors public hearing was perfectly legal. Because lots of obnoxious loud-mouthed jerks showing up in a public hearing armed to the teeth is absolutely not meant to be intimidation. It’s only their way of showing their love of FREEDUM!!^® and being responsible American citizens.

Regrettably, the Nextdoor filters blocked my reply on grounds my post was “offensive,” and auto suggested a much milder version. Which I grudgingly allowed. Which still turned out to be too offensive for this ammosexual, as he responded with a post suggesting I was mentally ill for not wanting lots of people just like him running around in public with loaded firearms.

As I attempted to write what probably would have been another offensive response, I discovered the Nextdoor moderators had already shut down new posting on this thread. So ended our pleasant online conversation.

My Modest Proposal

However, this latest dose of gun-crazy got me to thinking outside the box. How do we keep non-gun-crazy people safe from being shot while allowing ammosexuals to indulge their fetishes? And then, I had an idea.

So, let’s hypothesize that gun-crazy ammosexuals need a way of showing off their “manhood” in public. Open-carry guns are their way of proving their dicks are bigger than yours by way of innuendo.

How about an alternative? Let’s encourage ammosexuals to open-carry dildos instead of guns. I further suggest that for greater impact, their dildos should be made of real ivory from endangered African elephants. Because open-carry elephant-ivory dildos will not only satisfy the ammosexual’s need for proof of dick size, but it will also Own The Libs.

The Drawback

The biggest drawback to this proposal is legal issues. It seems that in some parts of America, there’s more laws restricting dildo ownership than guns. Texas, for example, prohibits a person from owning six or more dildos, but he or she can own an unlimited number of guns. So, maybe we should get the right-wing-dominated US Supreme Court to rule on the Constitutional Rights of open-carry dildos?

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Updated: October 3, 2023, for formatting and typographical errors.